DISCLAIMER: If you cannot tell from the aforesaid statement, I am about to rant on periods. Icky, yes. I warned you.
Yesterday, I was watching some admittedly stupid show online; thank the higher being for Hulu. One of the best features of online television is the dramatic reduction in commercials. I love it. I hate commercials- I'm sorry, but I can't buy beer, I don't want Doritos, I don't have any real credit score to speak of, and I can't afford cable, dish, or Direct TV. Ads are not effective.
However, they are plenty effective at making me cranky.
As I was watching telly on my computer, a commercial came on for Carefree's new thinner pads- "Looks like a liner but absorbs like a pad!"
The commercial made me want to punch something.
I hate it that on every box of tampons I buy, on every package of pads I see, there are flowers, and swirly things, and pastels. They advertise these things like they're marketing towards five year old girls.
I don't like pink. I resent the fact that it is associated with my gender. I don't like this notion of girly happiness when it comes to menstruation. Periods suck. I get horrible cramps, I feel like choking people, and it's messy. I want my tampons to come in a nondescript brown paper bag, not some frilly packaging that should be around a Barbie doll.
And that slogan- "Have a happy period!" All I have to say to that is fuck you, Always Brand.
This is why some men still don't respect women. After all this time, we still use pink as our identifying color. We use the slogan "Girl Power" and make everything sparkle-y.
Some women might like pink. Some might be into all that stuff. But I'm not. And every time I see that goddamned pad commercial, I am reminded how un-girly I really am. I like knives. I collect Hot Wheels. I swear like a sailor and I like fast cars with large engines. I have a pet lizard.
Things like those damned ads alienate me from my own gender. And, I suspect, they alienate a lot of other women. Advertising periods as being something flowery and pretty makes most women I've talked to want to attack that company's marketing team.
And how about the fact that after all of these years of "women's rights," the devices we use to stop blood flow are still crude bits of cotton? If men had periods, they would have over-engineered that shit ages ago. But no, we get string, cotton, and adhesive that comes in swirl-covered wrappers. It's 2010, people. We have computers the size of your hand and cars the size of your house. If we can do all of that, we should be able to come up with an easier way to deal with periods. Fuck Aunt Flo.
The problem, at least from what I've seen, is that women are nervous about talking about this stuff openly. Sure, it's easy when you're with your female friends or your mom, but can you rant about this in front of your mayor, your governor, or the president? Probably not.
But isn't that part of the wall blocking the advancement of women? Men certainly talk about their penises enough. That pathetic show "The Doctors" recently featured a "sperm facial" and didn't get flagged by anyone. I mean, the Washington Monument, considered one of our most iconic statues in Washington DC, is little more than a giant stone phallus. If we can openly display that, how come we can't find a better way to deal with our "Time Of The Month?" We put a man on the frigging moon, people. We've created elements that don't even exist in the natural world. So why is this such a big request?
Maybe scientists are just squeamish. Don't like the thought of menstruation, gentlemen? Grow the fuck up. I'm tired of there being such huge divisions in society about what's "manly" and "feminine." Periods should not be associated with pink and frills. It shouldn't be a big deal one way or the other in this day and age. We shouldn't have to stand awkwardly across from the pimply cashier at the store and watch him smirk as he rings up that goddamned pastel-colored box. Nor should we sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn't happen. My attitude is "Yeah, I have periods, so what? I can also kick your ass."
I applaud Katherine Bigelow for shying away from being heralded as the first woman to win Best Director. I'm tired of hearing about how amazing it is that a woman could achieve something. We shouldn't be making that distinction, because it is just as sexist as saying women belong in the kitchen.
And it all boils down, in my opinion, to these freaking tampon/pad ads. No more girly crap, please. It's an inconvenience, not a fun-filled several days. It's not flowery and swirly and awesome. It sucks. It's awkward. And I know there are women out there who celebrate it. Fine. Celebrate it. But we need to stop acting like it's some cute, childish thing. We need to stop with the "I'm a Barbie Girl"/"I am Woman, Hear Me Roar" crap. Let's just be humans; no better, no worse, then men. Let's all have the same opportunities. I'm tired of this "Battle of the Sexes" bullhonky. It's immature and it just reinforces sexist divisions. I know plenty of men who are decent, sensitive guys and I know guys who are total assholes. I know women who are thoughtful and compassionate and I know women who are whiny-ass bitches that I'd love to slap. Give up this whole schema of "If you're a boy, you act differently than a girl." Says who? Our culture? Culture changes, people. It's not static. Boys are allowed to like pink and girls are allowed to collect Hot Wheels.
So just give me my damned tampons flower-free and go away, Tampax.
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