Meg Fills Out the Census Form

Ah, the US Census.

No, my conservative friends, it is not Big Brother's attempt to know where you live and who you are. I regret to inform you, but Big Brother already knows where you live. How do you think they got the Census form to you?

In fact, let us stop calling Obama's administration "Big Brother." Especially if you're a conservative. Just give up. You have no right to compare a moderate to Orwellian paranoia. Ever heard of the PATRIOT Act?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

And stop calling Obama a socialist. Do you even know what a socialist is? Did you sleep through your government class? Obama is about as socialist as Reagan.

But I digress.

The US Census form. I got mine today; it's different from yours because I live in a dorm. This one is called the "Individual Census Report." It only has seven questions.

Let us go through them now; it will only take approximately five minutes, according to the form.

Question One: My name.

Now, this seems that it should not be necessary; after all, they were perfectly able to print my full name on the envelope.

Question Two: What is my sex?

They were clever and went with bubble-in answers, rather than a fill-in-the-blank. My answer, in that case, would have been no thank you.

Question Three: What is my age and date of birth?

Now, seeing as the government is the group that gave me my social security number, as well as recognized my birth certificate, you would think they would already have this info. So we go to...

Question Four: Am I Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish origin?

Now, here is a very interesting question. Ignoring the fact that they do not go into depth in any other minority, I must point out the obvious- Spain is across the pond, kids. Spanish origin is from a different continent than Hispanic origin.

Question Five: What is my race?

Now, here is the most flawed question of all. They offer me a minimum of twelve choices, with two places where I may write-in my own. However, of these, the only choice applicable to me is "white." I argue against this, however. I am not Italian. I'm not French. I'm not Polish, Hungarian, or Belgian. My ancestry comes from the British Isles. And yet, the entire continent of European origin (except Spain) is represented by "white." I could be Hawaiian, Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese, Samoan, or Chamorro, but I can only be "white."

And beyond all this, there is no such thing as "race," dear children. Race denotes subspecies. There is no subspecies of Homo sapiens, thought Rush Limbaugh would indicate otherwise. What you are looking for, dear Census Bureau, is ethnicity. Get it right, or don't ask.

Climbing down off my high horse and moving on.

Question Six: Do I live or stay in this facility MOST OF THE TIME?

Choosing yes completes the form. However, what do they mean exactly by this question? Arguably, I live in Boise more than I live here. In fact, I spend more time in the other buildings on campus than I do here. Thinking about it further, given my entire life span, I think I've spent more time at Winco (yay Winco!) than I have in this exact dorm. So what do they mean? Seeing as this form counts for the next ten years, I'll have to say "No," which leads us to....

Question Seven! Last question! This is misleading, of course, because question Seven takes up half the form. Tricky, Department of Commerce, very tricky. Anyway, Question Seven: (If No) What is the full address of the place where you live or stay MOST OF THE TIME?

Now, because I've been over-thinking things since I was born, what do they mean by this? Am I supposed to figure out what my address will be for the next ten years? Perhaps I should get a PO box. Certainly, in the last ten years it has been my parents' house. But my sister graduates high school in four and a half years. My parents might move. And then it will be inaccurate information. So what's a girl to do?

I'll tell you what I'm going to do- nothing. That's right, I'm not turning this sad piece of paper in any time soon. I'm an academic, sirs and madams. I believe in accurate research, and these questions are so flawed, the data recorded by this will be skewed. Supposedly, this will help the government assess where to send federal money that was allotted for me as a citizen. The last place I want it sent is Portland. This is why my parents have kindly counted me on their form. I know that's not exactly how it's supposed to work, but whatever. Like I said, this data is going to be poorly gathered, anyway. The Census is a part of our Constitution, this is true. However, I refuse to participate in a system that uses out-dated means of measuring the population. I'm ignoring my census form, not because I am conservative, but because I'm not.

Instead, I propose a few changes.

Question One- this needs to be eliminated. You already know my name. Next.

Question Two- this, too, is silly. Your people signed by passport, you already have this info. Next.

Question Three- I hear myself repeating earlier statements. Do away with this one, too. Onwards.

Questions Four and Five- should be combined. Origin and ETHNICITY are the same. Instead of asking people to choose bubbles that represent their heritage, how about a nice write-in-the-answer space? Give them at least a paragraph. Most of us are mutts.

Question Six- Be more god-damned specific. What the hell does MOST OF THE TIME mean,

you ingrates?

Question Seven- again, that silly MOST OF THE TIME crap. Why are you asking people to specify one address that will not be changed in your records until 2020? If any of the Department of Commerce's employees have changed addresses since 2000, they are fired.

Also, let's add a few questions. I realize people moan and groan about being inconvenienced by tedium, but these are typically also people who watch Fox News. I'm fairly certain they have more than five minutes on their hands.

Hypothetical Question Eight- What High School did you attend? (check if you did not graduate) This question will tell us much more about our current population than silly questions pertaining to skin pigment.

Hypothetical Question Nine- On average, how much time do you spend watching television, and what are your top five networks? (check box if you prefer books) These questions will give us an idea of where people are getting their information. Maybe then we will understand why an alarming percentage of America think Obama is a socialist.

Hypothetical Question Ten- On average, how many times per week do you cook your own food? Maybe then we will understand why America is fat.

Hypothetical Question Eleven- Have you ever read the Constitution, and if so, did it make sense? Perhaps then people will go out and actually examine a copy of our highest law of the land. It makes for a fascinating read.

This concludes my hypothetical questions. I'm sure I could write more, but they would get increasingly sarcastic. We don't need to know about skin color. Science has proven there are more genetic differences between two people if one is lactose intolerant and the other is not than between someone of African descent and someone of European descent. Give up the "race" questions. It's getting old. I'm tired of correcting people. Domestic dogs have races. Cats have races. People do not have races, idiots.

And I realize my words will not reach the sad sacks over at the D of C. I'm not here to begin a revolution. I do not suggest we "reload." I do suggest we give Sarah Palin her very own exhibit at the Smithsonian Zoo, but that is for another time.

I am here to entertain, as always. Thank you for obliging me my soapbox.