The Mormon Report: Volume One

So, at some point, I promised some friends of mine I would occasionally talk about my experiences with the LDS Church down here in Salt Lake. Because I am crude and I have no class, I've decided to call these the Mormon Reports.

A Disclaimer: if you are Mormon, you are reading this, and your blood pressure is steadily rising, please take note- I'm not trying to be disrespectful, I'm simply expressing my point of view, albeit with a potty mouth.

I'm not mormon, never have been, and I have no desire to be one. Yes, I moved to Utah, this is true. I moved here from Idaho, which has its own fair share of mormons. I am vaguely familiar with the nuances of their culture.

But never before have I experienced a Mormon Holiday. Today was what is known as Pioneer Day- they're celebrating the LDS exodus from the eastern US to the Great Salt Lake.

My day started when a fighter jet flew low over my apartment, immediately giving me the impression that we were under attack. But no, it was simply the beginning of the parade. After which, we observed a string of floats with various LDS undertones as they wound through downtown Salt Lake.

Thankfully, the route turned one block from my apartment, sparing us any direct noise. This in itself was somewhat of a miracle, because I only live two blocks from the Temple. There were people camping out along the route starting last night. Apparently, the parade's a big deal.

And then there were the floats themselves. They were culturally stereotypical and politically incorrect. Part of me wanted to watch as an observing anthropologist, and accept that this was a part of their culture. A bigger part of me was outraged by their apparent lack of factuality.

After the parade, my mom and I had breakfast, got dressed, and went out to go see the U's campus. For the record, I love that campus. It's how a proper school should look- enormous buildings, sweeping grounds, giant trees, and wide bike and walking paths. It's a great place.

After this, we had a most enjoyable lunch, and then decided to go have a look at the capitol building. This is probably the most majestic-looking state capitol I've ever seen. However, more mormon hijinks were to be had.

First of all, I was wearing a tank top. According to Mormon creed, shoulders are immodest. Knees are equally immodest, at least in the eyes of some. I've had old ladies glare at me before- I mean, I wear sweatshirts and swear like a sailor- but I've never experienced anything like this. Whole families were avoiding me. As we walked down the hall in the capitol, looking at exhibits, even the children regarded me as an alien and flocked away towards the stairs. It was bizarre.

Finally, the silver lining on this bizarre cloud. As I sit writing this, fireworks of all colors, shapes, and sizes are crackling across the valley. It's quite spectacular. For as weird as today has been, this view is certainly impressive.

I have plans for my Mormon Reports. Not, as I've said, to be offensive, but to simply explore the LDS church from my own viewpoint. Like any other culture, they deserve respect, even if I disagree with them. Their views on some things are trivial and downright offensive in some ways. This said, it's hardly fair to criticize a group of people without attempting to understand them.