I kid you not, the Dummies series seriously makes a guide to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Thank the Heavenly Father.
I won't lie, I felt a tad awkward standing in line holding the September issue of Automobile and my newfound Mormon guide. The checker nearly died laughing as I quietly explained I last lived in Portland, OR, and this is about as far from the damned hipsters as I could get.
So, after walking the half-mile home in jeans- bad idea- I sat down with a tall glass of water, a Monty Python documentary on the telly, and I cracked my new guide to living successfully in Zion. Part one is titled, "What the Mormon Faith is All About."
First thing is first: apparently, they don't like being called Mormons. They'd rather be called "The Church of Jesus Christ." Unfortunately for them, I think this is the idea behind most all Christian sects. I mean, that is where the term Christian comes from, is it not? The term "Mormon Church" is an outright no-no. According to the book, they're okay with being called the LDS Church, but they don't love it.
The best part of the entire book thus far is this- "Some Mormons joke that LDS really stands for 'Let's Drink Sprite.'" I nearly died. I hope they know this is what LDS stands for in my mind from here on out.
So I knew that Sprite-Drinkers spend a lot of time praying, but in the book's checklist of day-to-day life, it says that they pray by themselves, with their families, read scriptures, and they spend at least three hours on Sundays in classes and meetings at the "Meetinghouse"- the Sprite term for the church. (Note that "temples" are sacred and only used during special occasions; meetinghouses are for all the regular stuff)
There are a lot of rules. Last time, I talked about clothes and the LDS lifestyle. In addition to the whole "immodesty" bit, they don't drink coffee or tea, they don't use harmful drugs, they don't drink, and they don't smoke. Sex is an absolute taboo except between a married man and wife. Some go so far as avoiding cola and R-rated movies. R-rated movies? How can they live without zombies and Quentin Tarantino? Finally, no swearing. I would spontaneously combust if someone took away my expletives.
Sundays are all about church; no work or shopping for most. (Orthodox Judaism comes to mind) Monday nights are all about the family, which has good intentions, but any time someone makes something like that a rule, it's bound to feel a tad too oppressive to some people.
Beyond this, they're about charity and fasting. 10% of their income goes to the Church. If I ever hear an LDS person complain about taxes again, I will smack them. They fast once a month (not a bad idea) for two meals. That time instead goes towards a kind of "spiritual feast," prayer, scripture reading, and church services are just some of the fasting attractions. The money saved from said fasting goes towards helping to feed the needy, according to Dummies.
To conclude the chapter, we review what sets the Sprite enthusiasts apart from the rest of Christianity. While this consists of several pages, I'll just cover what stood out most. For starters, they believe in a concept known as "premortality"- souls exist long before they become bodies, and they continue to exist long after their corporeal form has expired. Interestingly enough, those who commit sins won't go to hell- they'll suffer for what they've done, but they can still seek eternal salvation and all the perks that go with that. In true sci-fi fashion, only those who "know God and still rebel against him" will go to "Outer Darkness." More on "Outer Darkness" in the second chapter, and it sounds interesting enough that I'm not going to flip ahead. They believe, unlike most other Christian sects, that God still sends down scriptures. They also believe that only they know all of God's "eternal truths." Most other sects acknowledge other churches, i.e. Episcopalians accept that Presbyterians have merit, however, in the eyes of the LDS Church, only they hold the keys to the castle, as it were. Finally, unlike most who believe "till death do us part," the Sprite drinkers believe that even after death, you're stuck together. So choose wisely, I suppose.
This concludes Chapter One. I probably won't do a review of each chapter- I don't have the attention span. However, I might check in occasionally with a visit to the Sprite Guide. I'm here for at least the next four years, so I might as well absorb a few things about the reigning religion here in the land of salty lakes.
Isn't learning fun?
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