I'm not joking; last week, whilst in Boise, I bought a Jesus Bank. Because you can trust Jesus with your money.
Given the fact that I actively make fun of religion, this is admittedly an odd thing to have in my apartment. You might think it's odd, but I think it's camouflage. Here behind the Zion curtain, Jesus is our friend. Plus, he holds laundry quarters. Can't get it much better than that.
Originally, we wanted a large, bright pink, fuzzy Jesus. They were out of those. Now, however, I realize I am far happier with the Bank of Jesus.
I think it should be a new rule that all visitors to the Buckingham Palace (my apartment) must tithe. Tithing, my friends, is found in most religions to some degree, but the Sprite-Drinkers have it down in spades. Thus, we, too, shall require tithing. By the end of this year, it is my dream that we have an enormous Jesus shrine, to prove our devotion. Or to just be ridiculous. One of those two.
Our ceilings are like ten feet high. It's absurd. And it is my dream to line the walls with Jesus memorabilia. Pictures of Jesus, statues of Jesus, pens with Jesus's head on them, I want them all. If someone could find me a Jesus bobble-head, I would love them for forever and make them food.
In addition to this, I've decided I'm now collecting religious pamphlets instead of throwing them on the ground. I feel this will be more entertaining to me, and not so insulting to the sad sack handing them out. I know it must be incredibly insulting to some people to hear I find their religious HI-LARIOUS, but that's okay. I'm alright with insulting people.
Speaking of insulting people, my dear friend ADUM (not his real name, but it's damn close) has recently gone veggie. I've been a lazy veggie since seventh grade, so I think it's a fabulous idea. Meat is icky, at least to me.
But anyway, ADUM is going veggie. One of his friends commented on this update (the Book of Faces) and congratulated him on making the "ethical" decision. Going veggie isn't "ethical." In fact, the only really ethical dietary choice is to abstain from cannibalism, and even that doesn't hold to be true in some places. But ADUM's friend thinks veggies are more ethical than omnivores.
Per usual, my malicious-ness took over, and I replied that veggies are idiots. He asked why. I said veggies are stupid and they don't know what the fuck they're talking about. He asked why I thought this, and I brought up the whole "omnivore" thing. Now, this is when I came to a crossroads. I could either continue being malicious, or I could be a good person and let Mr. Ethical off the meat-hook.
As much as I wanted to continue being a bad person, I clued him in on the fact that I am, indeed, a veggie. I told him I am also a bitch sometimes. I think the sometimes bit is an understatement.
I should have told him some veggie jokes. He probably would not have enjoyed them.
"I am vegetarian. I just let the cow eat it, first."
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