Chrysler Makes a BooBoo

So I did not watch the Super Bowl. I wish I could have watched it; I heard it was one of the best games in SB history.

I live in a dorm and do not own a television. This is a mixed blessing- fewer distractions, but I also miss out on things such as last weekend's major display of patriotism. I mean that in the best possible way, because believe it or not, I do love America, as in the United States.

However, I have internet access, so I have Hulu. I love Hulu. I get most of the mindless television I love, with fewer commercials. Hulu also featured most of the Super Bowl ads.

Let me tell you, I nearly died laughing while watching several of them. I skipped the Bud Light ones, because, let's face it, "John Cleese's" supposed letter to the US was right. It is weak near-frozen gnat's urine. I also skipped the Godaddy.com ads, because no matter how many dumb blondes they have, my boobs are still better.

Of the ones I did watch, however, I noticed something most other female viewers noticed; many of the ads openly bashed women. I guess advertisers missed the new statistics that show more women watch football, and the Super Bowl in particular, than ever before. It seems to me that trying to get rid of this statistic by making us out to all be shallow, vampire-loving girly girls who are not worthy of a man's time.

One ad really infuriated me beyond the rest: Chrysler's ad for the Dodge Charger.

Here is the URL in case you didn't see it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RyPamyWotM

Now that you have observed the stupidity, let's talk about why it upset me so badly.

I love cars. I love the noises the engine makes, I love the feeling of having so much power at your disposal, and I love the sleek look of most cars. I'm all for helping the environment, but goddammit, you will never take my cars from me. Never.

My wallpapers on all my electronic devices are pictures of various sports cars. I watch every car show I ever come across. Top Gear is the best television show ever conceived by humans, and if you do not know what that is, Google it. You will not be disappointed.

So a car commercial telling me that the Dodge Charger is "Man's Last Stand" makes me want to go punch Chrysler's marketing chief in the mouth. I have driven a 2009 Charger, and it was relatively fun, but there were definitely a few blaring flaws- it has the engine of a good muscle car, and the feeling of power to go with it, but it also has the interior of a Lincoln Continental. It isn't "Man's Last Stand," it's more like "Man's Midlife Crisis."

But the commercial made some pretty rash accusations that all women are sad, whiny little girls who live to bitch about their boyfriends' friends and watch True Blood. No wonder Chrysler is tanking; they're idiots.

I happen to like cars, the Syfy channel, weapons, zombie movies, and electronics. I also like jewelry, nice clothes, my purse, and art. I'm no girly-girl, and I'm no butch, either.

After watching the Charger commercial, I decided that it would be appropriate to write a response ad. Forgive me, I do not have a camera crew handy, nor do I have several women that will hold still for shots of their blank expressions.

So I'll ask that you employ your own creative imagination and visualize several women glaring at the screen as the following is read aloud by, let's say, Vanessa Williams:

I will ignore the dirty clothes you leave on the floor.

I will put up with your friends' fart jokes.

I will remain silent when you speak with improper grammar.

I will not mention the dribble left on the toilet seat.

I will wax regions I'd rather not discuss.

I will listen to your poor taste in music.

I will watch Flavor of Love with you.

I will not punch your friends when they hit on me.

I will tolerate your mismatched socks.

I will wear attractive pajamas instead of my ratty tee-shirts.

I will not roll my eyes when you do something idiotic.

I will not comment when you have ketchup on your undershirt.

I will not make fun of your job or your boss.

I will not publicly prove I am smarter than you.

And because I do this, you will stop acting like only men like cars.

Because it's not true.